do you think i am happy too?
i maybe on the outside.
but did you bother what i felt in the inside?
no.
you did not.


sometimes,
it seems like i am invisible.
nothing to you.
nothing to the world.
do you know how bad i felt?
you did'nt bother to ask.


she said that i was the third party.
in your two friendship.
i always think of it.
every day,
every hour,
every minute,
and every second.
you did'nt know how difficult i was.


she use me as if i am her toy.
if she and you quarells,
i had to be the translater...
or whatever shit.
and she will ask me to partner her.
go to the canteen with her.
you think that i dumped you when i have her.
but to me,
i think your thoughts are hurting me.


it's like i could'nt reject her...
to do what she wants.
i will be in the middle.
not knowing what to do.
i could'nt not directly tell her.
and i dont know how.
you did'nt even care how i felt.


and when you two were back,
okay and alright.
you two will dump me.
treat me as if i am nt in this world.
you two will go to the canteen first.
without even telling me beforehand.


and if i was with you,
she would be angry.
she would be jealous.
she would ask this, and that.
where we had gone.
anything under the sun.


but did you think of it,
when you and her were together,
did i ever did that?
did i asked you two about anything you all did?
nope.
i kept my mouth shut.
i meant well for us.


when you were with her,
i felt lonely.
i could not talk to the both of you.
if not she would think i am trying...
to get involved too.
actually,
i wanted to make our friendship bond stronger.
alright,
i know you won't think about these.


i want to have you alone.
but i know i am too selfish.
afterall,
you two were together before i joined in.
and now,
since i am in this clique,
i need to meet her needs.
i need to give in to her everytime.


i kept quiet.
i did not complain.
i did not do anything.
cos i dont want to ruin our relationship.
did you ever ask me about all these?


you said you were a toy between me and her.
but then,
did you thought of what i felt too?
when you and her were together?
i felt the same as you.


you said you felt left out.
truely speaking,
when you two were having fun,
playing with each other etc.
i felt the same too.
hearing both of you's laughter,
hearing both of you's sound,
i felt the same as you.
the jealous feeling.


you wouldn't not know i felt like this before.
cos you didn't care to ask me.
and you two often go out thogether.
you all did'nt ask me out.
i kept silent.


and if i wanted to go out with you,
she would also want too.
but i didn't did it that way.
i wanted to give both of you freedom.
not to be so stressed up in friendship.


but did she gave me all these?
no, she did not.
i am not complaining to you now.
i just want you to know about it.


and did you know why i didn't go out?
cos i see that both of you are so happily together.
i felt that i was an extra stuff.
so i avoided all the outings.
you did not bother to ask me out.
you only asked for her.


you felt like a toy between us,
but i felt more like it.
between you and her.
you had secrets.
and i knew you wont tell me.
except for her stuffs.
cos you dont want to let her hear.


others,
you told her all about it.
you did not bother to call me.
and did you know why i did not call you either?
cos i felt you and her were too happy together.
i did not want to break you two.


now,
you said that i did not bother to talk to you.
only her.
but think of it thoroughly,
you treat me like that once/too.
you talked to them.
except me.
tell me honestly,
am i invinsible in your eyes?
am i like a shit to you?
am i making your life sucks?


i wanted to talk to you.
but how can i?
you were so sticky with them until;
i felt uncomfortable.
i didn't know how to open my mouth.
to talk to you.
to smile to you.
you told the others i did not bother about you.
did not care about you.
but did you ask me before?
no, you did not.


and you simply said it like that.
i could fell my heart stabbed a million times.
i was deeply hurt this time round by your words.
in my heart,
i cared for you,
i worried for you.
i did anything for you.
but,it seems like you did'nt notice all of them.


i once thought of letting it go,
but i just can't bear to do that.
i love both of you.
the love's so strong,
that i can't possibly do tt.
i did not pour my feelings out to you.
cos i knew she had already.
i did not want you to feel too stressed up.


i felt all these things are bothering me.
till i could not concentrate on anything.
i did things for you.
others too.
but you did not fell touch.
except the others.
you were like super touched.
i gave my whole heart to you.
but you were like,
taking a knife and stabbing it.


forget it.
i noticed that you had a better friend now.
and i think you felt better and happier with her.
so just stay together to her.
i will give my blessings.
anyway,
i hope you enjoy yourself.


14 OCT. :]


went over to malaysia.
early in the morning.
was like so sleepy lar.
felt like sleeping a little more.
in my lovely queen-sized bed.


but no choice.
i had to get up.
no matter what.
cos in the night need to celebrate my grandma's bday.
about half an hour or so ltr,
we headed for malaysia.


felt so sleepy in the car.
but it seems like i cannot sleep.
i dont know why.
around eight then reached grandma's house.


then my mother and i went upstairds to the bedrooms.
swtich on the air-con,
and get to SLEEP!(:
slept until quite sweet.
haha.


around 0930 then i woke up.
my mum's still sleeping like a pig.
haha.
so i did not want to wake her up.
i put on my specs then went downstairs.


saw my sis reading storybook.
my aunt sitting down watch tv.
and when i came down,
my aunt was like wah!
why you become so slim?


then i was like damn shocked.
i weighs XXKG,
and stands at 1.55M.
VERY FAT !
still say i slim.
the eyes sure never open.
or gt stamp.
haha.
NT FUNNY.


after that my mum came down.
and we had our early lunch.
super super super early.
9.45 lunch!
haha.
looks more like breakfast.


soon after my cousin came.
she and me super close de.
so see her very happy.
she see me also.
haha.


after that we went to shopping.
walked walked walked...
until a bookshop called HARRIS.
very big.
so went inside see see.


see alr my cousin and me went to read comics.
haha.
the bookshop so big.
so walked around until mad.
legs also tired alr.
bought quite a lot of things.
happy yea. (:


at 2 my dad came and fetch us.
we went to starbucks coffee.
ordered iced-chocolate.
my favourite.
haha.


after that went back grandma's.
cousin gt tution.
haiz.
i gt nothin got do.
haha.
but soon after she gone for tution,
my dad asked us out to giant.


haha.
i quite like it.
can buy alot of chips.
and CHEWING GUMS! :]
i love them.
bought a whole chunk of them altogether.


went to vist their toilet.
and was like.
hell.
shit.
so smelly.
and dirty.
and disguisting.
gosh gosh gosh.


at night went for grandma's bday celeb.
to a quite a grand hotel.
eat until very very full.
me and my cousin did some stupid stuffs.
dont feel like typing them.
too lazy le.
haha.


at around 10 then go home.
reached home super duper tired.
lay on the bed then sleep le lor.
less than a sec.
haha.
tomorrow then i type today de things bah.


KELLY.
I MISS YOU!
07&08 FOREVER.